Category: Relationships

This summer, the girlfriend decided she was finally getting a dog. She has been wanting one for years now and our two boys are old enough now that they can help out. I tried to convince her that we really did not need a dog, and that instead we should have another baby. Somehow, the 39 weeks of pregnancy with all the throwing up and other personal discomforts did not appeal to her. Sometime in June, she brought home a yellow lab puppy who I ended up naming Butters, after the South Park character. The name fits, cause Butters is not very smart, gets into trouble all the time, and is sometimes a pain.

Butters is now about five months old and is a medium size dog. He has gone through multiple leashes and harnesses (all of which he has destroyed)! However the thing he loves best are my socks! He is absolutely enamored with them. After spending most of the summer with the dog, I have learned the following:

• A dog can add stress to your life.
• A lot of people love dogs, I meet someone new every week just by walking Butters.
• Dogs love socks more than chasing rabbits.
• You have to teach puppies to lift their leg when they pee, this is something they have to be taught!
• Their sense of smell is their most important sense of all. They smell constantly.

I’d have to say, that I’m surprised that Butters has not destroyed the house. My stereo equipment has been left untouched. Katryn has enforced a lot of rules on him and he has followed through on most of them. The hard part of course has been the constant training. I look forward to the day when I can let Butters in the living room and not have to worry about him getting in trouble.

Believe it or not, I am not married. I however have been in a long term relationship since 1993 and do have two kids to show for it. In that time I have had plenty of ups and downs in my relationship and even managed to mature somewhat into the idea that I will never marry most likely. I have also known plenty of men and women who happen to be divorced or pretty close to ending their marriage. Recently a friend of mine disclosed to me his own marriage turmoils and it reminded me of how difficult it is to make relationships work.

It seemed like only a couple of years ago I sat at their wedding and heard the minister speak of the holy union between man and woman and the whole idea that what God joins, men may not break. Many people cried as they heard those words; I saw old women cry, as well as even young men. Somehow it is understood that everyone, old or young alike, men and women, all want the same thing: intimacy. We feel that intimacy, eventually means we are happy at last and we no longer are left to our individual selves. But this is a false truth. Intimacy is not happiness, and even if it was, many people lack the skills to even attain intimacy in their relationships.

The problem is not lack of intimacy that causes marriages to fail, it is that couples do not know how to communicate and compromise with each other. Relationships work best when both partners can communicate to each other what it is they want first. After this, the idea is that you can compromise with each other on how both of you can be happy. Many people end up divorcing, because they can not actually be honest with themselves and communicate their wants to their spouse. Other marriages end because spouses want different things and they never can reach a compromise.

If your marriage is in turmoil and you are pretty unhappy, the best thing to do is to start with yourself. Ask yourself what would truly make you happy? Do not think about foolish fantasies or extravagant ideas, be honest with yourself. What do you want? Once you figure out what it is makes you happy, take some time and tell your partner what that is. When you have this conversation, you need to make the point that this is what would make you happy and that this is not about your partner at all. Take time to listen to what your partner has to say about you. Recognize that no one gets everything they want out of life, much like romantic love, is an ideal that is very often hard to live up to, so are many of our desires.

Next give your partner time to come up with their own needs and have them be open and honest as much as possible. You are allowed to ask questions of your spouse, but only for clarification, never accuse or blame them for anything. Remember that all you are trying to do is to listen to what each other has to say. After both partners have said everything that they wanted to say about their own individual happiness, take some time to reflect on what was said. Be proud in the fact that both of you have made it this far and that you are still married, but also try to understand what kind of relationship both of you can have now that you both know what each other wants.

You will find that either your relationship can continue or that you are not willing to compromise in order to stay in the relationship. After talking to each other, you will have intimacy, because you have opened yourself up and shared yourself, however intimacy alone cannot save your marriage. The hardest part comes next, which is the compromise, because after all we are talking about marriage and this is what that holy union is all about: surviving one day at a time together.

Sometimes pop songs are all we listen to. Of late I have been thinking of Bonnie Tyler singing Holding Out For A Hero, and wondering if women really need any heroes nowadays? The song starts out asking, “Where have all the good men gone? and where are all the gods?”, needless to say women have pretty much intimidated them all, to the point that men have stopped listening. Relationships have become a tangled mess of complexities that men often fail to navigate successfully, or which some men find too daunting to even approach. This has caused both genders to worry. The heroes are dead. Men never wanted to be heroes, to begin with, for the most part, men want attention, but on their own terms. Women who see themselves as very perceptive and emotionally intelligent, (they have to be given the society we live in), often misunderstand men. For our part, men are not traditionally good communicators of their wants and needs. This is something that men need to work on. But women need to speak up as well. Waiting for a hero, the shining knight, does not work very well with the image of a modern day Miss Independent woman. I guess it is hard not to go crazy, trying to be two things at once, both heroine and supplicant. So why do it? Relationships are not about being romanced or playing games, they are about getting what you want from your partner. Be honest with yourself and then ask for what you want. Romance and games are fun, but they are not what two grown people should base their relationship on. At the end of the day, are you happy or miserable? Chances are there isn’t any hero coming to your rescue, and even if there was, can he or she even hear you?