Author: Francisco

Ask A White Woman

Interviews1 Comment

Originally written on August 5th, 2005.

Just for giggles I decided to start interviewing friends for Olaguez.net and for our first interview, a good friend of mine volunteered, and so I titled this segment: Ask A White Woman, as a tribute to Dave Chapelle’s skit on Comedy Central.

First let me say thank you for agreeing to this interview. It’s not every day I get an opportunity to interview women, so thank you, BonanzaKellyJean. For our readers, I will just state that BKJ is a single white female somewhere between 22 and 32, and that I am yes older than her, but not by much.

For my first question, I will dig right into it. I have been known to lecture on the decline of western man and promoting women as the superior sex for quite a while now. So speaking as a single, available woman, what is wrong with men nowadays? Are we too metrosexual or too macho?

BKJ: Thanks for letting a white chick speak her mind. And by the way, you are much older than me…and fatter. I’m not so sure men have changed that much in the last few thousand years…

You have failed to evolve. Way to go, jackasses. As for the metrosexual/macho question, I seem to go back and forth on which I prefer. Isn’t there a happy medium? Is there actually a man out there that regularly washes the stink off, but doesn’t use all of my hair products?

That has been my point exactly! Men have failed to evolve. On the other hand, you prove my point as well, that women while being attractive and having more to offer as they get older, tend to seem angry all the time, and it is this anger/resentment that makes it hard to enter into a relationship with them. Oh, and I’m not that older than you!

But tell us BKJ, what would be an ideal man?

BKJ: I can’t speak for all of the ladies because, as you have pointed out several times, I’m not a real girl. I’ll try to explain why I’m an angry lady…

It seems like men have this preconceived idea of what every woman wants and in my case this couldn’t be more off of the mark. I don’t want to get married and shoot a bunch of sticky little spawn out of my cooter. Take the guy I have been “seeing”… I swear he thinks I want to trap him and domesticate him. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. I just got out of a relationship. I’m not ready for anything too heavy right now. If I don’t see him for a few days and then call and ask what he’s been up to, he will come up with some off of the wall story to make himself look like a big dashing hero. WTF? If he was just sitting at home scratching his balls, that’s fine with me. I just want him to be straight with me. If he’s out with someone else, he can tell me that, too. I have been out with other people since we started seeing each other. Instead he thinks he needs to tell me “what every woman wants to hear.” I’m not your average chick, and that bullshit really frosts my cookies.

As for my ideal man…. My friend Q thinks that I should try to find a well hung Teri Schaivo. Maybe he’s right…

Perhaps that is what I like to call post-modern male guilt. Seems to me that men nowadays want to be lazy and carefree, like playing GrandTheftAuto or WarCraft all day long, but feel guilty about not being more responsible. In this country, I think it is something they get from their previous generations, namely the WWII generation of men that were responsible and did stand for something. Men that came after that failed to live up to the same standard, and well men today have inherited this ideal of self-worth which they sometimes feel guilty about abandoning. Or perhaps your new boyfriend is just a wuss. I’m not sure.

BKJ: Me either. You know him. Is he a wuss? -Oh and he’s not my “boyfriend”.

What about women? How do you see the women of today, and I just have to ask, cause I ask every woman this question eventually…. What do you think of Hillary Clinton?

BKJ: I think I’m out of touch with the women of today. All of my friends are guys. I just can’t seem to get along with the chicks.

As for Hillary, I really haven’t been paying much attention to her. I’ll get right on that…

So you don’t want kids, don’t like touchy feely guys, and you hardly have any women friends. And you wonder why I say you are not a real girl!

A long time ago I read a few novels in which the author really believed in something called Sentimentality. It’s the idea that we should spend our time enjoying our sensations because that is the only connection we have to the natural world. This puts aside a lot of the religious and rational reasoning for what is life and saids no judgments, no consequences, just be. This idea is not very new, but I keep coming back to it.

I myself have come to the conclusion that I am essentially not tied to any one culture, religion, political identification, and that I am just the sum of my own experiences. Anything beyond that to me is just that beyond me.

So how do you define yourself? Not just in labels, but what is it that matters to you?

BKJ: Ah…sweet existentialism. I just am. I have been feeling really lost lately. I can’t think of anything that really matters to me. The things that other people hold dear (god, their children, their country, etc.) just don’t do it for me. I’m sort of drifting right now. That’s part of the reason that I’m not really excited about getting into a new relationship right now. I don’t even know what I want. I need to figure out what is important to me before I can move on.

I’m afraid to even ask this, but are men really bad in bed? I think the notion is that when you get married or get into a long term relationship, the woman kind of teaches the man how its done and vice versa.

BKJ: I read a study the other day that said the average man lasts for 7.3 minutes…7.3 minutes! Unacceptable! I’m beginning to believe that you either have it or you don’t. I’m not so sure that you can train someone to be better in bed. Try it before you buy it, girls!

I have noticed that you are one of the few women I know that never wears shorts or those kulats that Peggy Hill wears on that cartoon show: King of the Hill.Why no shorts?

BKJ: Shorts would ruin my bad ass image.

Speaking of your ass, it does tend to show off a lot. -I’m referring to your jeans that tend to low-ride in the back somewhat. Is that on purpose?

BKJ: Nope. They don’t make jeans that fit my weird body. The average chick is 5ft 3in. They are never long enough from crotch to waist.

Well I hope you take that as a compliment. I think we are almost done here. Is there anything else you would like to say?

BKJ: How is my badonkadonk hanging out of my pants a compliment?

Think of it as your trademark.

Fat People Are Not Funny

Editorials1 Comment

Over the past week, something really started bothering me. The whole nature versus nurture debate really came into focus and sometimes life has a way of repeating things until you pay attention. FOX has this show called House which I started watching because it is everything that good television is suppose to be, namely 48 minutes of sarcasm, drama, with a dash of cheesiness that makes you know it’s television and not real life. The lead character on the show is a genius doctor who is bitter, sarcastic, and not the kind of person who takes things on faith; this is exactly someone I can relate to at last! Anyway, on this week’s show he asked the question, “Can all cancer kids be saints?”, which seems like a very insensitive thing to say about kids that are on the brink of death, but the question was really one of averages and one which ignored the whole Nature v/s Nurture question, by saying that on average some cancer kids just are not good kids based on purely statistical sense, you have to have some rotten apples in the basket. Although the end of the show answers the question, I started to remember why I was annoyed lately about, which has to do with fat people laughing.

We have all seen classic examples of fat celebrities like Roseanne and how humor is their trademark, and there is that whole high school thing where the fat kids always walked around laughing at everything, even when other kids played cruel jokes on them, but my point has to do with some people who are fat, and who even in their adulthood still laugh at everything. After a while the laughter becomes part of their personality and you almost assume that they are naturally upbeat or even hyper, when in reality this is nothing more than a conditioned response! And this is what really annoys me! That there are people who laugh constantly all day long at everything, and it is society who has forced this upon them, they are not suppose to be cheerful like that, there is nothing in their genes or more importantly anything really comical about them. They are just fat and they have learned humor as a defense mechanism, but that still does not change the fact that not everything that a fat person saids is actually funny, but they still laugh anyway!

This of course leads me to myself, because the opposite of a sunny disposition is a sarcastic and downright pessimistic one which I am so totally guilty of enjoying on too many occasions. Can my great pessimism be nothing more than just a conditioned response too? Perhaps some of it is, but I still want to believe that I made the choice to be grumpy about life and not that life made me this way.

I guess we can all take comfort that even if our environment shaped our personality, it was still our choice to run with it, and eventually we conditioned ourselves as much anyone else, but still it bugs me till no end.

Pop Music Divas

MusicLeave a comment

Pop music is the perenial sewer of bad taste, cliche lyrics, and in today’s music world really bad songs. This editorial might seem a tad offensive, but it is suppose to be, a bit offensive I mean. My tirade of the week, has been Kelly Clarkson’s song: Behind These Hazel Eyes. Take it for what it’s worth, but Clarkson won the American Idol competition and the song that Christinia Aguilera wrote for her on the first album was pretty cool. Miss Independent, really is a good song. It’s not great, but it is everything good pop music is suppose to be, a good beat with some silly lyrics that make you feel good when you are thirteen (or totally depressed at 32). Since U Been Gone hit the same mark for Clarkson, it is a fun song and you might even call it a remake of Miss Independent, but the song that radio is killing (I mean playing) is Behind These Hazel Eyes. There is something which Clarkson seems to lack as an artist and that is depth. It’s hard to really explain, but if you listen to Whitney Houston (before she became all crackish) or even Mariah Carey, who is a talented singer despite her crappy songs, you can hear a lot depth. You believe the stupid lyrics, you breathe in the moment sort of speak when they sing. A good singer does this. Right now Clarkson is still not there and her music lacks depth because of it. She may hit the high notes on her music, but she just does not sound believable to me. Perhaps it’s that I don’t really hear the emotion in her songs and I really can’t believe she’s really hurt by love or whatever, but emotion is what sells pop music and so Clarkson’s music is mostly a bad product.

Which brings me to the rest of the pop music world, which is littered with even less talent and emotional depth, that’s right I’m talking about you Hillary Duff, Lindsay Lohan, Ashlee Simpson! This is what happens when music is forced, overly produced, and mass marketed for no other reason than to sell and make money. But one can’t really blame Hillary, Lindsay, or Ashlee, cause they are not the ones who originated it. Nope, I’m talking about you J-Lo! What made you think you could even sing? And for us latin people, what ever possessed you to sing in Spanish? A far worse crime! Britney Spears and J-Lo have great beats, but the talent is not there. They can’t sing. Britney is better than J-Lo at it, but I have no idea why people compare Britney to Madonna. Madonna has class, she has smarts, and most of all she has good taste and a good read on what people will like. Madonna may overly produce her music, but it is always good and interesting, even if you may not like it, you can still appreciate it.

But even in this mire of bad music and pre-packaged bad taste, you have to give it up to Gwen Stefani as being one of the few pop artists that can not only sing with the likes of Donna Summer, but also do the whole hip-hop thing without sounding too wanna-be (a.k.a. Mariah Carey). Stefani is the cool rock-chick. I don’t even like Hollerback Girl, but I still end up grooving the beat and listening to the lyrics.