Posts by Orion

View From The Top
Archived Review

Gwenyth Paltrow stars as a small town girl who manages to out grow her small town obstacles to achieve her big dreams of being sophisticated, travelled, and not tied down to her roots. This is perhaps the strangest movie I've seen in a while. It is not entirely obvious if this is suppose to be a comedy (it is not funny enough), a drama, (it is not dramatic enough), or a fastly put together film based around a really good actress who should have passed on this project. I definitely think it is the last one.

Character wise, Paltrow seems halfway between a ditz, a slut, and a terrible dresser. She is neither appealing, nor profoundly amazing in this film. The rest of the supporting cast is a combination of famous actors, like Candice Bergman who plays the world's most famous Airline Flight Attendant, but neither are they crucial to the film, nor really interesting. Even the Christinia Applegate character is uninspiring, even though her character is central to the plot's course.

Perhaps the point of the film was to be a comedy romance, but even here the lead male part is unbelievable and forgettable. If you are looking to see a good comedy romance or romantic comedy, then I suggest any film by Reese Whitherspoon, because at least in those films so far the comedy actually is funny and Whitherspoon is a pretty good actress as well.

Van Helsing
Archived Review

Hugh Jackman is back again, but not as the grumpy Wolverine of X-Men fame, this time he's a monster hunter in what is being called Universal's tribute to its classic monster flicks. I had jokenly referred to this movie as The Mummy Returns 2, before I had a chance to see it, and honestly it was actually better than The Mummy Returns, but we will get to that in a minute.

Van Helsing is essentially a servant of The Vatican's secret order that protects humanity against evil. For his deeds, he is openly hated by most of Europe who sees him as nothing but a murderer. On his most current mission he is to go to Transylvania and help the last surviving members of a clan that has sworned to kill Dracula in order to save their entire family from purgatory. Helsing arrives with his trusty new sidekick Friar Carl, who is also his weapons maker. He meets the beautiful gypsy looking Anna Valerious, played by Kate Beckinsale, who by the way looks much more attractive as a human, than as a vampire in Underworld. They are of course greeted by Dracula's three evil vampire brides who try to kill Anna. After this the story starts to deepen, along with some frights and fast paced action of course.

The film still seems rather rushed in some scenes, but it is nowhere near the chase style of The Mummy Returns. Given that the film is over two hours long and that you hardly notice it, most people will actually really like this film if they are into monster movies that have a touch of comedy and which are not too full of themselves. As a kid I grew up on the local station's Spengooli Monster Movie show, which is similar to Elvira, but with a cooky looking guy. Spengooli regularly passed such classic black&white Universal movies as Dracula and The Bride of Frankenstein. Van Helsing is a sort of modern tribute to those films but with computer enhanced graphics and of course color, instead of black&white film, though I kind of wished they would have stuck to black&white.

Besides Kate Beckinsale's lovely figure and strikingly perfect face, the one thing that really makes this film come alive is the soundtrack and score. The music is classic monster movie and it is as loud as the lightning bolts on top of the castle tower. The score breathes not only life into action scenes, like Helsing's horse carriage escape, but also quadruples the scare in scenes that make you jump out of your chair! I know I even felt my heart stop a couple of times, so make sure you take a girlfriend, cause she will definitely be scared in a few scenes.

I hope Van Helsing makes Universal rethink their films and make more movies with silly monsters and comedic characters instead of Underworld. Sure vampires are sexy and evil, but they should be fun too. I love The Matrix Trilogy, but enough with the seriousness! It was fun to watch a movie that was completely ridiculous and yet entertaining, and it reminded me of why I want to go to the theater in the first place: for a good scare and even better laugh.

Underworld
Archived Review

The trailer to UnderWorld promised a lot, it showed a hot looking Kate Beckinsale in a tight dominatrix like cat suit jumping from an incredible height and also blasting sub-machine gun like weapons, while having an element of vampires and werewolves, so it would lead you to believe that Hollywood was going to deliver a breathtaking film, but alas the actual film did not really inspire any such visions.

First let me say that some actresses have very unique voices, like say the opening dialogue to The Fellowship of the Ring, comes to mind, or even Carry-Anne Moss in Matrix, but Kate Beckinsale is not one of them. First off I could not even hear what she was saying in the beginning of the film, then pretty much most of her lines came off as nothing more than cold and lifeless. Sure she looks good in the black suit, but after a while you start thinking, when is she going to show some skin? Are not vampires sexy and alluring? In UnderWorld they are just cold and white pale looking!

As for the plot, well there really is not much. Basically the vampires and the werewolves have been fighting a war for over a thousand years, all leading back to love of course. A big jawed blond boy plays the poor innocent human who is tied to the war by birth, and Kate Beckinsale's character takes a liking to him and his predicament. Along the way, there are a lot of gun fights, battles, and werewolves, but by half way through the film you realize this is not a horror film, it is an action movie! Meaning gore is nowhere to be found in this film!

The entire film steals very obviously from the Blade films and also the Matrix, but neither excels Matrix's effects. nor shows any cool new changes to the vampire book of tricks like Blade II. However, the end of the film pretty much raps it up nicely for an UnderWorld II, which I am hoping they seriously rethink, or at least let Beckinsale out of the suit once!

Like Blade II, UnderWorld is pretty dim looking visually, but if the DVD release is as good as Blade II, then the film should be more visually appealing at home, since home viewing can highlight more the visuals and make the film appear cleaner looking in general.

Lastly the coolest action shots are all in the trailer!

Troy
Archived Review

Perhaps Warner Brothers thought they could capture some of the audience of Gladiator, with this 200 million dollar film that loosely follows Homer's epic, but in the end what we get is a very nice looking film which does not quite do justice to such a famous Western work as The Illiad.

The film begins with the Greeks, as they are banded together under Agamemnon's quest for power and land. Orlando Jones plays the role of Paris, the young and foolish prince who steals Helen from her husband (who is also Agamemnon's brother). Paris's brother Hector (played by Eric Bana) realizes this will spell doom for Troy as surely the Greeks will use this as an excuse for war. For the Greeks, the thousand ships are sailed and the opportunity for conquest is the only thing that Agamemnon can think about. However he needs Greece's most powerful soldier, Achillies to join him and so some Odysseis convinces Achillies (Brad Pitt) that this war will be remembered for all ages and his name will gain glory and fame for generations to come.

In this film, the Greek Gods do not appear, and it is man who makes his destiny and not invisible Gods. However The Illiad and other works when combined portray a very intricate history and irony which the film abondons in order to show a more mortal Achillies and give more time to the politics of Greece. Achillies is a soldier, the greatest of all, and he is both the tool and the enemy of Agamemnon's rule of men. Troy stands for the civility of society, it is after all pretty obvious that the rule of law and justice is in the end on the side of Troy and its victims and not the Greeks. It is from the ruins of Troy that Rome will rise and forever change the world.

The best performance in the film goes to Eric Bana's Hector. He is the perfect image of both strength and emotional sensitivity, while all the other men are deficient and lacking in character. Achillies slaying of Hector is made all the more dramtic cause it is the better man that dies.

Visual wise, Troy seems to look as good as any elaborate hollywood film, but the actual buildings and backgrounds do at times look computer generated and while the epic battle between Hector and Achillies seemed real enough, the fact that none of the Greeks were there to witness it seems to be unbelievable, and not accurate to Homer's actual story. And in so, the film is somewhat disappointing when you consider the Tojan War lasted years, and this film makes it last less than a month.

And so I would say Troy is not a bad film, but it is not entirely a good one either. It lacks the great musical score of Gladiator, and the story seems rushed and incomplete (mostly because it is actually incomplete), and so any fan of Homer will find the film lacking.

Torque
Archived Review

I was not sure what to expect from Torque, it definitely wanted to copy The Fast & Furious type of films, but instead of cars, it was motorcycles. Given that The Fast & Furious plot was stolen from Pointbreak, there really is not much about Torque that can be sighted as being original. The film features a lot of stunt driving and CGI to wow you with high speed action, so if you are into motorcycles, you will probably have some interest in this film.

As for the plot, well, wrongly accused bad boy comes back to change things and gets into a lot of trouble, while at the same time trying to romance the girl. Usually this would be a great plot for a Cinemax late night movie, but you will find no nudity or sex in this film, it's all about riding motorcycles, and trying to avoid the bad guys.

Other reviews of the film have stated that Torque makes fun of itself, which can be totally true in some points, but overall I thought this was the worse film I've seen on DVD all year. Not even Jamie Pressley as the hot brunet bad girl, was enough to keep me interested.

Tomb Raider II
Archived Review

Angelie Jolie is back again as the ever busty and hot video game character, Lara Croft. This time the plot surrounds a mysterious amber orb that looks much like a rusty disco ball, but in fact holds a secret map to the secret location of the legendary Pandora's Box.

Fans of the video game will wonder where all the secret maps and cave trails are in this movie, cause Cradle of Life looks and feels more like a James Bond film than an Indiana Jones remake. Most of the action takes place outside or in city landscapes that remind you of the last three Bond films.

Some critics have stated that Paramount basically ripped off every other film and put together a movie that offers nothing new or exciting, but honestly I hated the first Tomb Raider film and I actually liked this one better. However, one thing that almost everyone can agree on, is that the Lara Croft character is pretty cold and that perhaps no Tomb Raider film will ever really work until a director changes this and makes a character that the audience can identify with on some level.

As for technical aspects, Cradle of Life looks great and sounds great. The film is colorful and most landscapes are rich in detail, but unlike the first film, this time around some of the indoor sets are not as complicated and elaborate as the first film, in fact they are pretty tame in comparison.

In conclusion, if you are looking for a decent action film, Cradle of Life is interesting, but due to the Lara Croft character flaw, you won't really be that much into it.

The Incredibles
Archived Review

Pixar has brought us another wonderful work of animation and story telling with their latest release, the Incredibles. The movie starts off showing Mr. Incredible rushing off to some appointment that he doesn't want to be late for but he continually stops along the way to help out people in need (e.g. rescue an old lady's cat from a tree, stop some criminals in a car case, etc...). The appointment show Mr. Incredible in his secret identity of Bob Parr marrying Helen (aka ElasticGirl). Then the story takes a bit of a downturn where the government relocates all the supers and they have to go on with their lives as normal people.

Bob & Helen end up living in suburbia with 3 kids (Violet, Dash & Jack-Jack). Helen appears to be a stay-at-home mom; while Bob works as a claim rep for an insurance company. Alas for Bob, this insurance company is all about profit and nothing about helping people. He regularly gets called into his boss's office to explain how it is that the customers know all the info that they need to work the company's internal systems to actually get their claims paid. Bob spends his Wednesday nights with another ex-super, Lucius. They tell their wives that they're out bowling but in reality they spend the night sitting around listening to a police scanner and doing the odd bit of "supering".

This leads to a fantastically depressed Bob. Then in one day, he blows his top at work, gets fired and then gets hired by the lovely Mirage to do some top-secret supering at a remote, tropical island. Of course, this entirely too good to be true turn of events ends up leading to disaster and draws Bob's entire family into danger.

And as good as the main story is; it's the little touches that really make this movie.

Edna, the fashion designer for super models and super heros. Dah-ling, she's simply mahvelous!
Violet disappearing when the school hunk looks her way.
Helen staying up late waiting for Bob to come home from bowling and their having a fight.
Helen finding a blond hair on Bob's work suit.
The guards at the villians lair being typical faceless minions.
The music fitting in so well with the movie.

One last thing to note, Pixar has obviously been hard at work to make their computer animations look more realistic. There's a scene where ElasticGirl gets dumped into the ocean and when she comes up to the surface; she's got the most realistic looking wet hair that I've ever seen in any animated film.

I give this movie top marks and highly recommend it to all.

The Hunted
Archived Review

There's something about Tommy Lee Jones that reminds you of being a man. Perhaps it is his wrinkled face or his inviting tone of voice, or perhaps it is because the guy makes so many films that he is so recognized now that even David Letterman once joked about him being the "Hardest Working Man in Hollywood" because he starred in no fewer than 12 films in one year!

In THE HUNTED, Tommy Lee Jones stars once again as an ordinary joe who proves to be not so ordinary after all. L.T. Bonham is an ex tracker and trainer for the military who many years ago trained young men to kill and survive. One of those young men was Aaron Hallam, a top-secret soldier, played by Benecio Del Toro. Hallam has basically lost it and he is now officially a danger to everyone.

The film is a thriller suspense film and not really an action film, but except that there really is no mystery to anything. Our story begins in Yugoslavia, where we see Hallam execute a man, and witness his first flashbacks. The scene of a little girl in war is a little too familiar and overly used in most dramatic films of today, Schindler's List comes to mind as being a good example of this iconic scene, but there are others that are less well done, and THE HUNTED is among those films.

We then flash forward to witness Hallam killing two men in the forest. And this is where the film starts to lose some of its character appeal. We're not really told to much about Hallam's victims or why they mattered to Hallam, and pretty soon LT is called in to track him and so begins a series of puzzling dramatic dialoques and rushed through action sequences.

About the only thing that is remarkable about THE HUNTED is that the fighting scenes are hand to hand and less about guns and Matrix style martial arts. This is a bit refreshing but also points out the actual techniques military special forces use in combat.

In the end you know it is going to come down to two men fighting it, but the failure to really illustrate why Hallam is who he is and maybe let the audience care more about him, would have helped to make this film better for many of us.

Technically THE HUNTED looks pretty sharp on DVD and soundwise, the Dolby Digital track is okay, but there are no killer surround sounds or anything to get excited about. The film uses a song from Johnny Cash that details the story of Abraham and how God ask him to kill him a son. This reminded me of the poetry lines in GIJane, where poetry was used to contrast and add definition to the plot. It was interesting but it did not work too well I think.

There is only one reason to watch this film and it is about Tommy Lee Jones, cause Del Toro's acting in this film is pretty bad.

Hulk
Archived Review

Like most fans of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, I think I expected too much from Ang Lee, this time around. The Hulk, this time around is a drama with some action, but for the most part the film is a lot slower than most fans of say X-Men2 would expect. This is not to say that Lee did not do some really inventive and cool things in this film, it is just that overall the film never quite makes the same category of films that it could be associated with.

The storyline is pretty basic, but also very Greek Tragedy. Father wants to remake the world, has son, loses everything in the process. Son grows up, comes full circle with father, must over come father's weaknesses. There's a love story there too, but it is not as developed as one would have thought.

The look of The Hulk is interesting, Lee portrays a natural world and a human world. The natural world is colorful and absorbing, the human world is divided, less colorful and did I say dimly litted. The action scene with the hybrid dogs is just one dark fight scene. By far the best action sequences that Lee shows the audience, are when The Hulk is jumping and running by himself. Probably the best thing the Lee does overall is his capturing of how The Hulk jumps to travel large distances. This is done even better than in the many cartoons that The Hulk has had over the years. As for CGI Hulk, it just is not that realistic, this Hulk looks more like shiny green clay than a real creature. The tank scene is pretty much the best action scene in which a CGI Hulk battles human looking objects.

What I really did not like about the film was the Sam Elliot character of General Ross. It was too over the top and I really did not think the acting was that good overall in the picture. Average drama like in the film Space Cowboys, is really hard to come by, and The Hulk lacks it in a few places.

In conclusion, if you are absolute Hulk fan, see this film. If you have seen A Beautiful Mind, well then you have seen a better Jennifer Connelly film than this.

The Girl Next Door
Archived Review

Back in the 80's I rented the movie Weird Science and fell in love with it's female lead. Sure as the character Jay from Dogma and Clerks saids, it was a PG 13 movie and so you could not see any real nudity, but when you're young you tend to have a lot of imagination. Lately, movies like American Pie have tried to bring back the teen movie and female nudity, and while I've appreciated their efforts, I've also noticed the abundant failures as well. The Girl Next Door is closer to Weird Science, than it is to American Pie, and perhaps it is a better film because of it.

The story is pretty simple, a smart guy in high school (Matthew) finds himself bored at the end of his high school career, when a hot chick (Danielle) moves in next door who just happens to be a couple of years older than him. She catches him spying on her when she is undressing and goes next door to teach him a lesson. This leads to a romance and the two find themselves flirting around town for the next few days, that is until of course he learns the truth about the girl next door, and that's when the story starts getting interesting.

Matthew has two friends, Eli who is your typical friend in high school who was a chronic masterbator and consumer of adult material, and Kluttz, who is a bit nerdy looking but who is probably the coolest guy you know once you get out of high school. It is Eli who shows Matthew a tape of Danielle's actual adult star performance. This leads to Matthew messing things up badly with Danielle, and from there the romance ends, and the love story begins.

The most interesting character though is Kelly. A cool and hip guy who makes cheap adult films and who is for all purposes, Danielle's agent in the world of adult entertainment. He enters at the right time to persuade Danielle to come back to the life of video starlet and it is up to Matthew to help deter this from happening. Everything about Kelly is the opposite of Matthew. Kelly is confident, he is smooth with people in general and never hesitates to get what he wants out of them. It is Kelly who helps Matthew get his first lap dance, and into loads of trouble. But it is also Kelly who shows Matthew what being a man is all about, because unlike Matthew who tries to avoid conflict, like with the cool jocks at his school, Kelly meets the situation head on and even looks for it.

Eventually Matthew's life is totally ruined by Danielle and Kelly, but he manages to get inspiration and resolve the problems by making a film with Eli, Kluttz, and two of Danielle's girl-friends.

Along the way there are some funny moments, but nothing like American Pie. Eli's lines brought me back to my high school days, when boys often say things like: "Jesus, I wanna bone hot chicks!" and then there is Kelly's classic advice: "You have to know if the juice is worth the squeeze".

As for Elisha Cuthbert who plays Danielle, well let me just say that she is the new Weird Science girl, but without the accent. She totally made me forget about Kirsten Dunst! Although there is no nudity, there are plenty of wet t-shirt scenes and other nuances to keep you entertained. Like I said, this movie is for teenager's imagination.

I have to also mention the soundtrack for this movie is phenominal! Unlike the crappy 90's boy rock/pop that you hear in other teen movies today, this soundtrack devotes itself entirely to classic and memorable music. You'll catch hints of great 70's and 80's music, most of which is not gay, meaning this is rock music from the time when bands only made one ballet on their albums, and yes they were really albums! The soundtrack hits perfectly, never sounding silly or stupidly over the top, just right and just enough to highlight the mood and make you get into the story even more. Now that's what a soundtrack is suppose to do!

There are currently two versions of this film on DVD. An unrated version has more footage but does not include any nudity either, but if you are going to choose one DVD, the unrated version will probably be the best buy.

Overall The Girl Next Door is an unexpectedly good film. If you remember high school at all or perhaps are in it now, then you should enjoy this film.

The Fighting Temptations
Archived Review

When it comes to making comedies, Cuba Gooding Jr, should stick to drama. For some reason none of the films he has played the lead in ever are that funny or memorable. Sure his performance in As Good As It Gets was hilarious, but nowhere in this film does Gooding ever really deliver a memorable moment.

The story line for the film is basically a small town church in the south forms the basis for a prodigal son returns story, where Gooding plays the less than honest nephew who is less than successful in New York. Opposite Gooding stars, Beyonce Knowles, other wise known as Destiny's Child, other wise known as Beyonce!, but in this film, she is Lily: a talented small town girl with a child and no husband who was shunned by the religious bigots in the choir. But that is all going to change when Lily changes Gooding's character and he decides to lead the choir to a competition that will net them $10,000 and $150,000 for Gooding in inheritance if he fulfills his dead aunt's dying wish, which is to lead the choir to victory at the competition. Add lots of characters, with most of them forgettable and recreate a few Sister Act moments and you have The Fighting Temptations.

The best part of the film is the singing and not all of it is Beyonce either, but I have to say that Beyonce's performances are the better ones. Let's face it, it is Beyonce after all!

One has to wonder though if the film could have been better without Gooding. The supporting cast is huge and very talented, so one has to think it is the writing and Gooding that killed this film. Certainly you can't blame Beyonce, cause she was more believable than Gooding throughout most of her scenes.

Unless you truly like Gospel singing and even at that this film does not represent the best of that genre, I would not consider watching this film.

The Core
Archived Review

One of the early summer films for 2003 was The Core, a sci-fi action movie that featured for once, some good acting, and an interesting plot.

Hillary Swank of Karate Kid and 90210 fame (who had just come off a stellar performance in Boys Don't Cry), leads a group of scientists into the Earth's core to save the world. Like most action films nowadays, the plot is usually a little silly, like the whole world hangs in the balance theme. The idea here is that the the outer core has stopped spinning and with it the planet's magnetic field and atmosphere are changing in such a way that will spell doom for human life. The plan is to take a ship down to the core and set off some nukes to make the core right itself. The physics and science in the film is a little off and will most likely make some very real grad students at MIT sick to their stomachs that their studies are being taken for granted in this way.

But film wise, The Core does a lot better. It is not often you see a film that is very watchable by all age groups and which doesn't have that much profanity in it. The film somewhat succeeds on the strength and quality of its cast, especially Swank, who honestly is very appealing to geeks and to women, in that she is smart and head strong.

The DVD release features a standard 5.1 Dolby Digital track that does not astound as much as you would think, but then again, for an action movie, there is a lot of dialogue in this movie. The picture is pretty clean but not perfect, there are some artifacts in certain places. There is about 10 minutes of deleted scenes which actually add to the storyline so they are worth watching.

Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines
Archived Review

He's back and this time, he is again the Terminator of the original movie of the same name. Looking back at the original terminator movie, you start to think, "Wow, Arnold sure looks young for his age!".

This time, the story follows the young Conner in his mid twenties, his mother dead, and himself kind of depressed. The machines have sent back in time a gorgeous model terminator to kill not only Conner but also his second in commands (his high school classmates). The female lead is played by Clair Danes, who surprisingly looks quite older in this movie, meaning, I myself have not seen a film with Danes in it, for quite some time. The two soon meet and the two terminators, Arnold and the hot model X, come by and blow things up. Soon both are told by the terminator that he was sent back in time to safeguard them during the even we all know as judgement day, the day the machines start a nuclear war.

One of the things that I found strange about the last terminator film, Judgement Day, was the inner monologues, I wasn't sure if I was watching a Cameron film or a David Lynch rip-off of The Lost Highway. This film does away with the inner conflict and is really about 4 action sequences glued together with some pauses and exposition. The whole film in a sense is not really about inner conflict but about action. The best sequences are of course in the beginning and in the end. About the only thing that was found interesting, was how each terminator film has managed to tap into revelant social topics and illustrate them. For the third film, technology is again illustrated, but more than just its use, software is the main theme of the film. Just what responsibility do we have for our creations, even when it is just code? The implications in Terminator 3 are pretty clear, it is not that we can solve problems, but that we must triumph in spite of them, that we must survive, and in that lies our species most basic attribute.

In conclusion, if you are looking for an old style action film without much story, then look no further than Terminator 3, which surprisingly is really a lot closer to the original film than Terminator 2.

Team America: World Police
Archived Review

Like many fans of South Park, I have been eagerly anticipating the next Trey Parker movie for quite some time. Finally on Oct 9th, I was able to watch a sneak showing of Team America: World Police, which debuts nationally this week and after one showing, my thoughts on Trey Parker's first puppet movie are a bit mixed.

TAWP was the result of Matt Stone and Trey Parker sitting around and watching old episodes of Thunderbirds, which was a television series. Somehow the old show got two of the best satirists to start thinking about making their own puppet movie, but of course put their own spin on it.

The resulting story, tells you of a great young actor named Gary, who finds himself being recruited by the Team America team, to go on a dangerous mission to Cairo, where he will try to infiltrate the Islamic Terrorists and capture the WMD's. A love story develops between Gary and the blond Lisa, but of course things happen to mess things up and Gary leaves Team America to pursue a life of drinking and depression. Meanwhile Team America is attacked on two fronts, one by a fat Michael Moore liberal wuss, and by North Korea's infamous leader. When Gary comes back to face his responsibility, he finds a devastated headquarters and the team captured in North Korea. It is then up to Gary to rescue the team and save the world by using his acting of course. In the end he has to fight and act his way to victory against Alec Baldwin and Kim Jon Ill.

There are some unusual moments in the film, like when Gary has sex with Lisa, which by all appearances is a hard core puppet scene. But perhaps what ends up being the most unusual scene is Gary's throw up scene. Then there are a lot of scenes that just jump out of you as being hilarious, like the panthers scene in North Korea. The dramatic scenes are spooky, because these are after all puppets, and facial expressions, especially the eyes, are so profound, that you feel strange equating such emotional response to a doll. Luckily the dialogue is so over the top that you find yourself laughing pretty quickly, like when the martial arts expert in Team America confesses he hates actors because he was sexually abused by the cast of Cats, the musical.

One thing that TAWP does not have a lot of compared to the original South Park movie, is singing. TAWP is not a musical, it is mostly an action comedy, and perhaps one of the most pro-American movies I've seen in a long time.

Some lines in the movie will definitely become timeless classics, but overall, TAWP seemed to be a very strange movie. It is definitely reaching with all the sex references, and its characters lack the well-rounded depth of the more famous South Park kids. Regardless, TAWP definitely is a movie to see for just its satire alone.

"You see there are three kinds of people in this world: Dicks, Pussies, and Assholes. Pussies hate Dicks, cause Dicks fuck Pussies, but Dicks also fuck Assholes, and everyone hates Assholes cause they shit on everything. You also have to remember that Pussies are just an inch and a half away from being Assholes."

Spider-Man 2
Archived Review

The biggest summer movie of 2004 is definitely Spider-Man 2. On its opening day alone, it made a cool $30 million! But is it worth the hype? Well, yes!

In this film, we get to meet Peter Parker, the struggling college student and moonlighting super hero. He is well on his way to a nervous breakdown as he can't seem to keep a job or keep up with his school work. On top of this he knows his relationship with Mary Jane Watson is falling apart. In total, his personal life is really in shambles and this starts to effect his superpowers as well.

He gets to meet a brilliant scientist, Octavious, who is transformed into the evil Doc Oct by an experiment that goes wrong. Together, the two have some very amazing battles, which all lead up to a final confrontation, with MJ being once again the beautiful maiden in distress.

In all there's a lot of action, a lot of story, and some humor thrown in as Peter Parker's life is anything but glamourous.

As to what not to like about the film:

For any kid, there really is not anything. This is really a kids film. The action is very cool to kids and the love story is interesting for adults, and everything else is just a little too over the top or make-believe. The fusion experiment does not make sense, in fact most things about Doc Oct don't really work in the real world, and so the comic book aspect of the movie is pretty solid. In other words, this world does not exist, but its problems do come across as being very real. We all have doubts, we all fail, and so in a sense we may not live in Spider-Man's world, but we do relate very well to Peter Parker.

Some fans will surely point out that the unmasking of Spider-Man was not necessary, but in the real world of Peter Parker, it does. You can't keep lieing to the ones you love, right?

There was a couple of times where I thought I was watching The Matrix, specifically in the train scene, where Spider-Man is carried, and with the whole heroes speech, which is cheesy and reminded me of Morpheous's War speech in Reloaded.

As for the technical aspects of the film, the film could not look any better. Danny Elfman provides yet again another interesting and diverse soundtrack, which is neither harsh nor out of step with the scene.

In the end you have to give it to Hollywood for finally coming up with a film that appeals to almost every age group and taste.

Spartan
Archived Review

Val Kilmer stars in this political thriller as a government agent who works only on individual cases.

The story line for Spartan is very complex, but the director never seems to pause to explain much of it all, in this way, you see the story unfold through eyes of Kilmer's character, and much like the character who is not very emotional, the scenes never get too deep into any one character. But you will hardly notice it because the dialogue is rather poetic and the action is subtle but very fast paced, considering this is not an action film.

Spartan is somewhat like Ronin, another very well done thriller.

What I really liked about Spartan was the score. Throughout the film, there is a very complementary score which entirely keeps the pace of the movie fresh and unlike other films, the score in Spartan is subtle and effective, not harsh and interfering.

Overall if you like an interesting kidnapping plot with very good acting, then Spartan deserves your viewing.

Shrek 2
Archived Review

The original Shrek was a light hearted modern view of fairy tales and it appealed to both adults and children on many levels. This was also in large part due to the cast, and not just good writing, so it is no surprise that Dreamworks released a follow-up film, now known as Shrek2.

Shrek2 has so far excelled everyones expectations as it has been breaking records for most theatres played in. I even saw parents walking out of Shrek2 with their kids at midnight hours! It is that popular.

Like any parent, I took the kids to go see the green guy and what I got out of the film was a bit different.

Shrek 2 starts right after the honeymoon, where Shrek and his new bride must travel to Far Away Land to visit his in-laws. Upon arriving, Shrek, Fiona, and their trusty Donkey are greeted by less than excited parents and so starts the stage for Shrek's new adventure.

Dreamworks tried a little harder this time to push more jokes into the film and in some places, it simply hilarious, like Pinochio not admitting to wearing a thong, or of course the Puss'n'Boots character. In a few places, the jokes don't work as well, but kids will hardly notice this.

The animation is even better this time around, and maybe that is what bothered me most, because at a point, the animation is so good, that Shrek stops looking like a cartoon, and more realistic, like an actual real life person.

Overall, Shrek 2 is just as funny as Shrek 1, but seems less fairy tale-like than the original, which means, it seems like a meshing of different fairy tale jokes which seem to overtake the main plot at times.

Shark Tale
Archived Review

Dreamworks jumped on Pixar's Finding Nemo theme and did their own animated fish story, otherwise known as Shark Tale.

Oscar is your typical average joe trying to hustle himself into fame and fortune, but so far he has not had much luck and for all signs is stuck in a job he hates and without much money to take him anywhere. Thinks turn up when his luck goes from bad to worse and he is about to be permanently taken care of, this is where he meets the sharks in the story. By accident a shark is killed and he takes credit for it, and so begins the big facade as Oscar the Shark Slayer.

The cast of voices includes Will Smith as Oscar, Angelie Jolie as the vixen, Jack Black as Lenny the Vegeterian Shark, and Robert Di Niro as the Godfather Shark. But even with brand name stars, Shark Tale is a disappointing film.

For kids, the movie has too many adult themes. Kids don't care about fame and fortune, they just want to be cool, and so I doubt the story line has much of any appeal to the toddlers and kids under nine. I know my kids will remember this movie only for as long as the commercials are on tv.

For adults, the story was not compelling enough, and could be summed up in less than five minutes. There are a few good jokes in the film, but in all Shark Tale is not much of tale to tell. It was a tad boring in fact.

SWAT
Archived Review

Another summer action movie which stars Collin Ferrel, Samual L. Jackson, Michelle Rodriguez, and a few other recognizeable actors. The movie centers on Ferrel, who plays an ex-navy seal by the name of Street. He is pretty much the quiet character with the skills to make it in SWAT, but his chief hates him and assigns him to desk duty early on. That all changes when Jackson, who plays the old style SWAT captain returns to lead a new squad. Street along with five other officers become the new squad and they are handed a tough assignment to escort an international crime lord, and this is where the action starts.

The film itself does not really rewrite the action genre, nor does it have special effects that take away from the story line. Pretty much all the characters are not really gone into, but the over all story is not cheapened. In fact SWAT does something that most other films don't do, it actually shows you some cops doing their job with a little action thrown in of course. There are no big heros like in most other films, most of the time Ferrel plays such a quiet tough guy, you start to realize this is how most heros are suppose to be, pretty quiet about their jobs.

Sound wise, the film sounded good, and the soundtrack which is a mix of the usual techno, grunge, rock was okay and not too annoying in most places. Visuals were crisp and sharp and colorful.

SWAT will make a good DVD to watch and if you like cop movies, then this one is not too bad.

Though I have to wonder why Ferrel looks surprised through out most of this film. The guy just has this look about him.

Rollerball
Archived Review

Rollerball: Another Remaking of Point Break

If you've seen Point Break, then you have seen The Fast & Furious and a bunch of other movies which Hollywood seems to be pushing out faster than the Stifler character from American Pie can say the F word. Rollerball is just such a movie, but unlike The Fast & Furious which had some cool cars, Rollerball just has good actors acting badly, stating obviously bad lines, and pretending to be in a good movie, cause by the end of this movie, you've have learned that Point Break is such a great movie and Rollerball is not even close.

The movie stars the tall guy from American Pie (aka the nice cool daring white boy) with LL Cool J (aka the cool black guy who helps the white boy be cooler), and a no-name actress who of course plays her role (aka the hot looking hottie who is more daring than the white boy who ends up being more daring because of her).

Plot is so idiotic, but just in case you missed it... 2 americans participate in a rollerball deathmatch sport somewhere in central asia. The bad guy is the guy who owns the game and tries to kill the players for the sake of satellite tv ratings. The hero liberates the poor backward nation by defying the owner bad guy and everything else is just cool action.

Add industrial music and you have an updated version of Point Break but without any real thought or substance. The best thing about this dvd is the menus, they are slick and work very well. After hitting play on the menu, you've pretty much going down hill.