I tend to watch a lot of NBA games and read the the daily NBA rumors at InsideHoops, which covers the daily soap opera that is the NBA and one thing that is pretty apparent about the NBA is that the entire league is a family and acceptance into the family brings with it certain responsibilities. In essence, being part of the NBA is a privilege, and the league tends to treat it that way. If you start learning more about the game of basketball and you get to learn the coaches, the players, the managers, the organizations and such, you get the idea that the NBA is really a club. And if you want to belong to this club for any length of time, you have to build relationships, because relationships play a crucial part in your success. Perhaps this is not immediately obvious to some of the younger players in the league, but it is something the coaches can attest to. Outside the world of the NBA, you can also see the value of relationships. It is rare to meet a successful person who does not credit their success to the relationships they have maintained throughout their careers.
We often think, that success demands being a self-absorbed genius, but this is actually only true when you are at the very top in your field. In general, most people are not in the top three positions in their field, so unless you are Michael Jordan, you are more often than not, judged on how likeable you are. Amazingly enough, the very same problem that parents deal with their toddlers, is the very same problem we face as adults. Toddlers and kids in general have to develop social skills that allow them to play nice with others. We often think of this as part of growing up, but I often see the same problem in adults. Many adults simply do not know how to play nice with others and have problems socializing and in effect they are not very likeable, hence not very good to be around. This limits their success immensely, unless they just happen to be actual genuises. Not being likeable is a problem which adults can also pass on to their kids, because as parents they do not know how to help their child with the very same problem they face.
But what does being likeable mean? Does it mean you walk around being nice to everyone? Being likeable is the result of work. You must work at building and maintaining relationships. This requires being genuine in caring for other people’s feelings. This cannot be taught, it must be learned. To go back to my NBA example, if as a player all you cared about was winning and not the well being of your teammates and coach, most likely the NBA will have very little to offer you after you retire. Your reputation and friendship is what makes you valueable to an organization, and life is no different.
Our culture tends to emphasize being the smartest or the best at something and kind of forgets the value of being nice. I know I was always trying to be the smartest in school while I tried to be nice as well but nobody teaches you how to be nice, except by watching others as an example. Now as an adult, I have to watch my competitive tendencies as it’s usually better in the long to be nice at work or play (tennis) and gain friends and allies than to be right and win but make enemies or lose friends. It’s a tricky game as men are taught to compete while women who are taught to socialize and be helpful to those below them are much better at this than we are. Capitalism and Socialism work best when blended but it’s hard to find that balance individually and collectively.